1. Everyone should play the same piece.

2. Observe the repeat signs only if what you just played was interesting.

3. If you play a wrong note, glare at one of the other players.

4. The right note, at the wrong time, is a wrong note. (And vice-versa.)

5. A wrong note, played timidly, is a wrong note.

6. A wrong note, played with authority, is simply your interpretation of the phrase. Play it again to make it sound intended.

7. If everyone gets lost except you, follow the ones who are lost, you know, like when you wonder what happened to "one".

8. Strive always to play the maximum notes per second. This will intimidate the weaker players and gain you the admiration of the ignorant. Audience at the club will be impressed.

9. Markings for slurs, dynamics, and accidentals should be completely ignored. They are only there to make the score look more complicated.

10. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed up. Everything will even itself out in the end.

11. You have achieved a true jazz interpretation when, in the end, you have not played one note of the original chart.

12. When everyone else stops playing, you should stop also. Do not play any notes you may have left over.

Hotel guy: OK, that completes your check in, your room is # 124, right down the hall.

Musician: Thanks, it's nice to have a night off and just relax for a change. I'll think I'll have a nice dinner, glass of wine, and go somewhere to hear someone else play for a change. Do you have any jazz clubs in this town?

Hotel guy: Well we happen to have an excellent restaurant right here in the hotel and tonight is jazz night in our lounge.

Musician: WOW, I wonder if I would know anyone in the band?

Hotel guy: Well, I know the pianist's name is Oscar Peterson.

Musician: WOW, "THE" Oscar Peterson?

Hotel guy: Well, not "THE" Oscar Peterson, but he happens to play piano and he is a local player we think is great.

Musician: Well, I'll give him a listen.

Hotel guy: And I think the bass players name is Ray Brown.

Musician: WOW, "THE" Ray Brown?

Hotel guy: Well, not "THE" Ray Brown, but his name is Raymond Brown and he happens to also play bass.

Musician: Well, I'll check him out.

Hotel guy: The drummers name is Louis Bellson.

Musician: WOW,... (you know the drill by now)

Hotel guy: And the horn player is Kenny G.

Musician: WOW, "THE" Kenny G?

Hotel guy: I'm afraid so.